


forever going with the flow, but you're friction

by lizzy_stardust_18



Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: Attempted Sexual Assault in the first few paragraphs, Cynthia Murphy Tries So Hard, Evan is a Swiftie and You Can Fight Me On That, F/M, Taylor Swift References, Underage Drinking, also Let Evan Say Fuck 2kForever, and if u have a problem, bandtrees with taylor swift lyrics is such a basic white girl move but guess what, bc Evan Done Did Wrong, canon-typical trigger warnings, he's not the attempted sexual assaulter tho, i love zoe murphy so much that's why i make her Suffer so much in this fic, me: protect evan me also: drag evan to within an inch of his life it's what he deserves, that's what the author is, this isn't as sappy and fluffy as my other fics it's kinda actually really bittersweet, title and lyrics in the work are from "Treacherous" by Taylor Swift, you can skedaddle
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-31
Updated: 2018-05-31
Packaged: 2019-05-16 16:20:49
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 10,886
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14814735
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lizzy_stardust_18/pseuds/lizzy_stardust_18
Summary: Zoe knew that of all of the things that her mother had expected from the evening, Evan Hansen showing up at her door with his arms full of her drunken daughter was not one of them.





	forever going with the flow, but you're friction

**Author's Note:**

> come yell at me about bandtrees on tumblr if you want: https://lizzy-stardust-13.tumblr.com/

Zoe’s world was spinning as she was laid down on the bed. The pillows enveloped her head invitingly, and she closed her eyes, allowing everything to disappear. This was nice. The blankets were soft beneath her body, and her cheeks were warm, but not uncomfortably so. She felt like she could fall asleep right here if he weren’t busy with her already. His hands traveled up her sides and reached up to cup her breasts. She groaned softly. His lips found her neck and she gasped. He chuckled in her ear and began to run his hand along her thigh. 

 

“You’re really pretty,” he whispered, and she turned her head to face away from him. She was so tired. She wanted to lie down and not wake up for days. He had other ideas, apparently. She gasped a little as a hand went up her skirt and she felt a sharp pain as a finger entered her. She pushed away at his hand. 

 

“Evan, stop it,” she murmured. 

 

“Who the fuck is Evan?” 

 

Her vision swam before she got a good look at the boy who had been touching her and was now looking down at her angrily. His hair was lighter than Evan’s and his eyes were a cold blue in comparison to Evan’s soft green eyes. She felt panic rising in her chest. How could she have slipped up like that? How had she managed to get into this boy’s bedroom anyway? Why was he on top of her? She racked her memories with difficulty. Right, of course. They had been kissing on the couch and he’d taken her by the hand to lead her up here. She shook her head to clear it and he sneered at her before moving as though he was going to continue. She kicked wildly out at him and her foot hit home. He let out a cry of pain and rolled off of her. 

 

“Fucking bitch,” he growled, pulling up his pants and getting to his feet. “Next time you spread your legs, remember who it’s for.” He stomped out of the bedroom angrily and slammed the door behind him, and Zoe crumpled. She curled up on her side, pulling her knees to her chest. He’d managed to pull her underwear down to her ankles without her noticing, and she felt cold and filthy lying there half-undressed with her skirt riding up. Tears pricked at the corners of her eyes and she tried to will herself not to cry. She wanted to go to sleep. She wanted to go home. 

 

She didn’t know where Melanie and Carrie were. They were supposed to be her rides home, but she’d seen them disappear into a room somewhere and she hadn’t been able to find them, which was how she’d ended up talking to whoever his name was (Dylan? Daniel?) on the couch. He’d been the one to initiate kissing, and she hadn’t resisted him. She hadn’t necessarily wanted to go  _ this _ far with him, but she hadn’t seen anything wrong with burying herself in someone else while she waited for her friends to come back. It would have been a way to forget about Evan, or so she told herself.  _ Guess the forgetting-about-Evan ship just sailed. _ God, she was such a mess.  _ No, you don’t get to feel bad. You didn’t even know that guy’s  _ name _ but you went up to his room with him anyway. What kind of a slut are you? I’m not surprised. You were enough of a whore to spread your legs for Evan, weren’t you? Why not sleep with the whole school while you’re at it?  _ She tried to get the thoughts to stop, but they kept coming. They came to her in Connor’s voice, ringing inside her head like a grim reminder of the past. 

 

She felt like an idiot for getting into this situation. This wasn’t the first party at which this had happened either. Granted, she’d been sober when she’d slept with that other guy and his girlfriend, (whose names she’d already forgotten) and that time she’d  _ wanted _ to do it, but it was still a sexual situation she’d gotten into at a party in order to forget about everything that had happened with Connor and Evan and her family. Drinking and making out with strangers at parties turned out to be great temporary coping mechanisms, even if both of them left her feeling sick and empty at the end of the night. 

 

She closed her eyes. Every time anything like this happened, without fail, she would feel like a giant ice cream scoop had been taken out of her chest. Nothing she ever did could patch up or fill the gaping hole that Evan had left in her heart. She wanted to hate him, to punch him, to scream at him until her voice was hoarse. She wanted to ask him how he lived with himself. How he could build something so beautiful with her on top of a bed of lies. How he could pull her life out from under her the way he had. She had been so stupid as to think he could have been the one good thing she could have kept close. She’d envisioned a bright future for them, with a cat and a house and a row of potted plants on the shelf. How naive she’d been to think he could have been telling the truth. That his love could have been real. 

 

She wanted to unleash hell upon him, but she couldn’t muster the strength to do it because of the shame that overwhelmed her when she thought about him. She should have seen it coming, she should have known that this was too good to be true. Of course her brother would never have befriended a frightened boy who jumped at every little thing, he would have scared Evan off a long time ago. Of course Connor didn’t like her hair or her habit of drawing on her jeans or her ability to dance in public. He hadn’t liked her at all. 

 

Her brother never loved her. Who would, except for her parents?  _ Even they don’t like you that much. When was the last time you had a real conversation with your mother, huh, Zoe? You know she does pilates and all that shit just to get away from you right? Because you’re a fucking whore and she’s ashamed of you. It’s one thing to  _ believe _ Evan, but to drop your panties for him? When he didn’t even care about you or your feelings?  _ Zoe couldn’t fight the voice in her head. It was right. Evan clearly hadn’t loved her. If he’d loved her, he wouldn’t have lied. If he cared about her, really cared about her, he wouldn’t have told her he loved her while pretending he was talking about Connor.  _ Stupid girl, you should have seen this coming.  _

 

But she had been so wrapped up in Evan, in the promise of him. She had loved the way he touched her so gently, how he always reserved a soft smile just for her, how he would play nervously at the hem of his shirt when they were standing apart, but when they were holding each other he would relax like he was at total peace with the world. She had loved how nothing else seemed to matter when she was in Evan’s arms. It had been like the two of them were in their own little bubble that the world outside couldn’t touch. How wrong she’d been about  _ that _ . 

 

She didn’t want to admit it, but she missed Evan. She missed the way he carded his fingers through her hair when they snuggled, how he had kissed every inch of her like it was an honor to do so, how he would hold her so close that they didn’t feel like two different people but rather like one person, like together they were greater than the sum of their parts. And of course, there was the sex. She missed his gentle hands exploring her skin reverently and passionately. She missed how he would worship her with his lips and tongue, his head disappearing between her legs and bringing her to ecstasy within minutes. She missed when he would rest his head on her thigh when he was done and look up at her adoringly. She missed when she would kiss him afterward and she could taste herself on his lips. She missed having his fingers inside of her, when she would beg him to speed up and he would do so with his face flushed, his eyes looking down at her almost innocently even though his fingers were curling inside of her and making her see stars. She missed wrapping her legs around his waist and feeling him deep inside of her, how he would kiss her face and babble mindless praises of her when he got close to his own orgasm. She missed how he would cradle her in the afterglow, stroking her back softly and whispering soft “I love yous” to her. 

 

She wished Evan hadn’t betrayed her the way he did. If he’d told her the truth from the beginning, or hell, if he’d never even told her the truth, she wouldn’t be in this situation, lying half-undressed in a stranger’s bed trying to forget Evan’s name. Sometimes she wondered if she could just forgive him, if she could just call him up and hold him, perhaps things would be okay, but every time she was tempted to do so, her mother’s crying face swam to the forefront of her mind and she was blinded by fury once more. She had reached an impossible quandary with Evan. She couldn’t forgive him, and she couldn’t take him back, and she couldn’t hate him or forget him. All she could do was miss him and curse his name. She let out a sob, tears welling up in her eyes. God, she felt so pathetic. She buried her face in the bedspread and wept so hard she almost missed the sound of the door opening. 

 

“Shit, sorry,” a familiar voice said. She looked up and saw Evan’s face in the doorway, or, what little of Evan’s face she could see.  _ Speak of the fucking devil. What the hell is he doing here? _ He was slightly turned away and he was covering his eyes. “I’ll-I’ll just leave you alone.” She realized how she must look to Evan, crying while half-naked on a strange boy’s bed. She rubbed at her face and a streak of mascara came away on her hand.  _ Well, great. I must look completely psycho now.  _

 

“What did you need?” she asked, her voice breaking a little. 

 

“I um, I just wanted a quiet place to hide but you’re um, you’re in there. So, yeah.” He turned away, and she knew she should want him to leave her alone, but she couldn’t help herself. 

 

“Wait!” she said. He stopped. “You can come in and hide. I don’t mind.” She didn’t know why she was inviting Evan inside, especially given that she was still undressed, but she just knew she didn’t want him to go away. She waited with bated breath as he slowly entered the room, clenching and unclenching his fists. 

 

“Zoe?” he asked, his voice gentle. She propped herself up on her elbows and crossed her legs, hoping he wouldn’t notice that she wasn’t completely clothed. 

 

“That’s my name,” she said. Her heart fluttered in her chest at the sight of him. He hadn’t changed that much since he’d last seen her, but little things about him were different. His bearing was less unassuming, as though he was okay with taking up space in the world around him, and his posture was straighter. He still looked like the same nervous boy she’d known, however, which was a strangely comforting thought that she didn’t want to explore further. 

 

“Um, can I ask what you’re doing in here?” 

 

“Same as you, needed a moment.” Her speech was slurred, and she knew she sounded incredibly drunk. Her head wasn’t exactly on straight, and her vision was blurring. She hastily began tugging her clothing on. He averted his eyes and gulped, and she rolled her eyes. “This is nothing you haven’t seen before,” she muttered, and his face turned bright red. She would have laughed if she wasn’t so embarrassed. “So what are you hiding from?” 

 

“I-I just didn’t want to be down there with all the noise and the commotion and the drunk people. I’m trying to fix things with Jared-Jared Kleinman so I let him drag me to this party but I don’t know where he is at this point.” 

 

“I think I saw him leave with some guy from a few streets over,” she said before her face broke into a grin. “Your friend got laaaaid.” Evan visibly shuddered. 

 

“That’s an image I’m never going to get out of my head,” he said. Zoe snorted. 

 

“Rough break for you, though, buddy, he left you all alone here,” she giggled, “so he can go get that good dick.” Evan regarded her, dumbfounded. 

 

“I honestly never thought I’d hear the phrase ‘that good dick’ leave your mouth.” 

 

“Yeah, well, I guess we’re both full of big surprises, aren’t we?” she said bitterly. Evan’s face fell and he looked down at his feet. There was a pregnant pause before he spoke. 

 

“Zoe I--” 

 

“Why did you fucking lie to me?” She fixed him with a glare that she hoped was intimidating, even though her head was lolling dangerously from the alcohol and she likely looked like a drooping seagull. “Why, Evan?” 

 

“I don’t have an excuse for what I did.” 

 

“You’ve said that one before. I don’t care about excuses, I wanna know why. Why’d you tell me my brother loved me?” She felt tears welling up in her eyes.  _ Oh, lord, you’re gonna have a drunken breakdown in front of  _ Evan _ of all people? Truly classy, Zoe.  _ “He didn’t, if you were wondering. He didn’t like a damn thing about me, let alone my fucking hair.” She let out a sob. “If it was just so you could fuck me, you didn’t have to lie. I’m sure I would have put out for you if you tried another approach. I mean, look at me, I’m easy enough that I’ll follow some random boy to his fucking bedroom while he does god knows what to me.” She was aware that she was crying at this point, and she wiped away her tears and sniffled. “Was that why you liked me? Cause you thought I’d spread my legs for you?” 

 

“Zoe, Zoe no, God no,” Evan’s eyes were wide with disbelief that she would even imply what she did. “Zoe, I admired you for years. I love-I-I  _ loved _ you. It wasn’t about the sex at all. Wait,” realization dawned on Evan’s face. “Which boy took you up here?” 

 

“I don’t know his name! He’s just some guy. He wanted to fuck and then changed his mind cause I accidentally said your name while he was--” her eyes widened and she cleared her throat and looked down at the bedspread. Her head felt heavy, like it was full of cotton. She lay down on her side on the bed, a tear rolling out of the corner of her eye. The bedspread was surprisingly cool, despite the fact that she’d been lying on it, and she wanted to lie down on it and never wake up again. She sobbed quietly. “God, look at me. I’m a fuckin’ wreck.” She felt the bed press down beside her and she looked up to see Evan sitting next to her, awkwardly twiddling his thumbs. 

 

“Zoe, how much have you had to drink?” 

 

“Not enough to fucking forget you,” she grumbled, and Evan winced, a sorrowful expression filling his eyes. Zoe counted it as a victory, even though her stomach churned at the sight of Evan hurting. 

 

“Do you have a ride home?” Evan asked. Zoe shook her head. 

 

“No, I think they left too. Guess we both got ditched by our friends at this fucking party.” She laughed mirthlessly before sobbing again. “Because everyone fucking leaves,” she murmured bitterly. “My friends don’t stick around because why talk to the girl whose brother died let’s just give her some fucking  _ space _ ,” she snarled, “my parents don’t talk to me for more than ten minutes at a time and why would they? I mean, I bet they fucking...blame me cause I didn’t show Connor any affection in those last years. It’s not like he hit me and threatened to kill me or anything,” she hiccuped, “but hey, maybe I deserved that too, huh? Maybe it’s my fault. I-If there was something I didn’t do for Connor I’m all fucking ears but he can’t tell me, now can he?” she was aware that she was rambling, but she couldn’t stop. She felt Evan’s hand lightly touch her shoulder and she looked up at him, fresh tears rolling down her face. 

 

“One thing,” she whispered, her voice hoarse. “I just wanted one thing that was mine. One person that wouldn’t run away.” She curled up into a ball and laid her head on Evan’s leg, hiding her tear-stained face from his view. “That was supposed to be you. Why couldn’t you just have been  _ mine _ , Evan? Why’d you have to be someone else? Someone I didn’t know?” 

 

She felt a tentative hand touch her hair before stroking it gently. “I  _ was _ yours, Zoe.” 

 

She shook her head and pressed her face against the material of his jeans. “You’re Connor’s, you always were. You didn’t even know him, but he owns all my memories of you. I think about anything we did, and he’s right there like a fucking stain.” She sniffled. “How can you fucking live with yourself?” she whispered, not even meaning to say it out loud, and it came out in barely a whisper, but Evan heard her, and she heard him make a small choking noise before clearing his throat and speaking. 

 

“If it makes you feel better, I-I can’t really. At-at all.” 

 

“It doesn’t.” She grabbed the hand Evan wasn’t using to stroke her hair and pressed it awkwardly to her cheek. His hand was warm and slightly calloused. She had always loved how warm Evan’s hands were, how alive and real they felt. “Why does it have to hurt to look at you?” she murmured, “Why can’t you just be honest? Why can’t you just be mine?” She placed a kiss on his palm and nuzzled into his hand, and he responded by stroking her cheek with a feather-light touch. He bent over and smoothed her hair off of her forehead before pressing the smallest of kisses against her temple. 

 

“I’m honest now, Zoe. And I’m always yours.” 

 

“I can’t trust you anymore.” 

 

“I know.” 

 

She closed her eyes. The tears had finally stopped. “I don’t want to be like this anymore, you know? Being a total mess, missing you this way.” 

 

“I’ve been um, I’ve been the same. I mean, you and I haven’t been doing the same things but I’ve been um, I’ve been miserable without you.” 

 

“What have you been doing? To deal with...missing us?” She gestured between the two of them. He bit his lip and looked away. 

 

“I don’t want to talk about it.” 

 

“Can’t be worse than turning into a giant party girl.” 

 

“It is. You’ll hate me.” 

 

She scoffed. “If I was going to hate you, I already would. There’s very few things you can do at this point to make me hate you.” She looked up at him. “But you don’t have to tell me.” 

 

He didn’t respond, he just continued stroking her hair. He seemed lost in thought. She relaxed into his touch and breathed deeply. If it weren’t for the fact that she was still at this inane party, she might have fallen asleep right there. It dawned on her that despite everything that had happened between them, she still wanted to trust Evan. She still wanted for his arms to be home for her, and she suspected he wanted the same thing. She knew the hurt between them couldn’t ever be water under the bridge, but perhaps they could learn to swim.  _ Or perhaps you could take him home and screw him again and make your mother cry, do you want that?  _

 

“Are you falling asleep?” he asked her after a moment. She stirred and nodded, yawning against his pant leg. She sat up and turned to him, and he looked at her intently. He reached out and brushed her hair behind her ear. “Can I drive you home?” he asked in a soft voice. There had always been a certain warmth that filled her up whenever she looked into Evan’s eyes, and in that moment, Zoe was overwhelmed by it. She knew that touching that warmth was dangerous, that it could lead her down a path of intense heartbreak, but looking into his large, earnest eyes, she decided she wanted to take the risk and run with it. She nodded and wiped off her face. They both stood up, but she stumbled, and Evan rushed over to catch her. She gripped his arms to steady herself and looked up at him again. He swallowed thickly. 

 

“You okay?” His eyes were so concerned and his expression was so soft and caring that a wave of emotion crashed over her. He put his arms around her gently to steady her, and she responded by leaning her head on his chest and hugging him tight. Her shoulders heaved, and she became aware that she was crying again, this time directly on his shirt.  _ Well damn, guess I’m not done crying yet.  _ She wanted to feel bad about staining his shirt, but she figured that he’d done enough harm to her and her family that he could handle a few tears on his shirt. He didn’t seem to particularly mind, though. He returned the hug, putting a hand on her back and the other on her head, stroking her hair gently. 

 

“Zoe, I’m sorry. I’m really sorry. For everything. There’s no way I can make it up to you, ever. I want to fix it every day and I know I can’t but all I want to do is text you or call you or see you and just fucking,” he squeezed her, “make it right.” She looked up at him with watery eyes. 

 

“Just take me home, Evan,” she said, hoping it would be enough of an answer for the time being. She didn’t quite want to reassure Evan that it would all be okay, and she didn’t have an answer for how he could make it right, but she knew that answer would eventually come. Right then, all she wanted was to go home. He nodded and released his hold on her slightly, still keeping an arm around her shoulders to support her. She smiled softly up at him and sniffled. She was grateful for the affectionate gesture, especially on the off chance that that boy came back and decided he wanted to finish what he started with her. Deep down, she also enjoyed the implication that she was Evan’s, even though the two of them stood on top of a mountain of pain together. 

 

The gesture came in handy as they made their way down the stairs. Just as Zoe had expected, the boy was down there, trying to chat up another girl. She averted her eyes, but he gave her a dirty look and made motions as though he was going to come closer. She panicked and turned to Evan. She stood on her tiptoes and yanked him in by the shirt collar, fisting her hands in his shirt. She kissed him hard, trying to communicate to him via the kiss that something was definitely wrong. Evan seemed to get the hint and pulled her closer to him. She saw the boy sneer and mouth something like  _ slut  _ out of the corner of her eye, but he walked away. She had kissed Evan to get the boy away from her, but she began to lose herself in the kiss when Evan put his hands on her waist and began to gently kiss back. She closed her eyes and let him hold her and kiss her deliberately, deepening the kiss and leaving her breathless. She wrapped her arms around his neck and pressed against him, making a small desperate noise against his lips. He responded in kind, and one of his hands came up to hold the side of her face. She opened her mouth and he did the same, and she ran her tongue over his, earning a small moan from him. She eventually pulled away from the kiss, panting slightly. 

 

“Sorry for the uh, surprise kiss,” she said before whispering “the boy came back and I freaked out.” 

 

Evan looked a little disappointed that she hadn’t kissed him for a more romantic reason, but he recovered and grinned. “I’m-I’m not complaining,” he said. She giggled and released him from her embrace. 

 

“Let’s get out of here, Evan.” 

 

They managed to make it out of the door without without Zoe stumbling over anything, which she considered a win. Evan was parked a little ways down the block, so Zoe opted to loop her arm through Evan’s and lean on him as they walked. Dimly she thought that they almost looked like a couple like this, with her holding his arm and him smiling at her like she was the most important thing in the world. It pained her to remember that they weren’t a couple and could never be again. 

 

He poured her gently into the passenger’s seat of his car and she let her head roll to rest on the car door. She stared out the window, her eyes half-closed. It was nice to just sit like this in Evan’s car, with the coolness of the window against her burning forehead and the seat belt holding her secure. She didn’t notice Evan staring over at her with a mixture of concern and fondness in his eyes, in fact she barely registered that he was even there until he took a chance and reached over to give her hand a gentle squeeze. She turned her head slowly to look at him and she smiled. 

 

“Thanks for the ride,” she slurred, her eyes drooping closed. He ran his thumb over her knuckles. 

 

“I haven’t started driving yet, you can thank me later.” 

 

“Okay, thanks, Me Later.” She giggled helplessly at her own joke. “Get it cause,” she trailed off and grinned at him and he shook his head fondly at her. 

 

“You still feeling okay?” he asked. She nodded. 

 

“Just sleepy,” she said. 

 

“Well, just rest in here until you get home.” 

 

“Aye aye, Cap’n,” she said, mock saluting him. He snorted and started the car. They drove in silence for a few minutes before Evan spoke again. 

 

“Can-Can I turn on some music? I’m sorry, it’s just, driving at night, I need it to keep me awake and alert, you know?” 

 

“Crank those tunes, pretty boy,” she muttered sleepily, “I don’t really care.” The light from the cars ahead illuminated how pink his face was upon being called ‘pretty boy,’ and he bit back a grin as he turned on the CD that he’d been playing. Zoe began to laugh out loud as the first few chords of the song began to play. 

 

“You’re listening to Taylor Swift?” 

 

“This album is a masterpiece, I’ll have you know. Also, you recognized it so you-you can’t judge me.” 

 

“I don’t judge you,” she giggled, “I just didn’t realize you were that comfortable in your sexuality.” 

 

“Does it earn me back straight-guy points if I say that some of these songs make me think of you?” he looked panicked once the words left his mouth and he quickly began to ramble, gesticulating wildly with his hands as he spoke. “I-I mean it’s not like I go around making playlists about you like a  _ creep _ or keep track of how many days it’s been since we  _ kissed _ or anything, I’m not that  _ weird _ or  _ clingy _ \--it was 196 days though if you’re curious-- I mean like I know I said I wasn’t dealing well but I’m not like doing anything really  _ out there _ like--” 

 

“Evan. Hands on the wheel,” she said. 

 

“Oh, right. Sorry.” He was quiet for a moment before he spoke again. “Wait so is that number back to zero? The days since we-we kissed?” 

 

“Nah, the one at the party didn’t count,” she said. “It was a distraction to keep a creep away, I don’t count it as one of ‘our kisses,’ you know?” 

“Oh. Okay.” Evan stared dejectedly at the road ahead of them. 

 

“Evan, I didn’t mean it like that. I meant I want us kissing again to be special.” 

 

“No, I get what you mean,” Evan said, his knuckles white against the steering wheel. 

 

The car fell silent, and Zoe sighed and let the music wash over her. She realized she really liked the song. It was relaxing and sweet but also intense, and when it reached the bridge, she looked over at Evan and saw him bobbing his head along to the music. His lips were pursed in concentration, but the corners of his mouth were turned up a little. She found herself staring at him as the headlights from the cars around them lit his face up into a million different colors, shining a light on the parts of Evan that Zoe had never seen before. She hadn’t been paying attention to the lyrics of the song up until that point, but looking at Evan, she felt like the universe had clicked into place around her. 

 

_ two headlights shine through the sleepless night and I will  _

_ get you get you alone  _

_ your name has echoed through my mind and I just  _

_ think you should think you should know  _

_ that nothing safe is worth the drive and I will  _

_ follow you follow you home  _

Evan was singing along to the song under his breath and Zoe was captivated by the movement of his lips and the fluttering of his eyelashes as he sang. He was singing very quietly, but Zoe could hear snatches of his mellifluous voice over the noise of traffic around them. He turned his gaze to her as he sang along. “I’ll follow you, follow you home,” he breathed, smiling softly at her. “I’ll follow you, follow you home.” She reached over and put a hand on his leg, and he took it, still driving with his free hand. 

 

He turned his gaze back to the road, and she continued gazing at him. “Hey, Evan?” she asked. 

 

“Hey, Zoe?” 

 

“Thanks for getting me out of there. That was a real solid you did me back there.” 

 

“You-you know I wouldn’t have left you there, right? Not after what that boy tried to do.” 

 

“Yeah but still,” she gestured vaguely, “I appreciate it.” 

 

“Anytime, I wish I could have done more to protect you from him. But uh, once I figure out how to weaponize my anxiety, he’s gonna have to watch out.” 

 

“My knight in shining anxiety,” she murmured, grinning adoringly up at him. 

 

“That’s me,” he said, beaming at her. They fell into a comfortable silence, and she realized with a jolt that they had almost arrived at her house. He turned onto her street and carefully parked the car. “We’ve arrived at your destination, madame,” he said, turning off the car and looking at her.  

 

“Thank you, monsieur,” she giggled. 

 

“You still doing okay?” 

 

“Yeah, I’m fine,” she said. She looked down at her hands and bit her lip. She knew what she was about to do was a bad idea. She should just get out of the car and thank Evan and be done with it. But she knew there was still a thread connecting her heart to Evan’s, and it was hopeless to try to cut it or ignore it. No distance between them could ever break their connection. The best she could do was tug on the thread and pull him closer and hope they could mend things that way. 

 

“Hey Evan?” 

 

“Yeah?” 

 

“This one counts,” she said, leaning across the seat and kissing him softly. The kiss held no hint of the desperation from earlier, it was a sweet, simple press of lips, but it held a promise that Zoe knew she was terrified to keep. She knew she shouldn’t kiss him, she knew she wasn’t ready, but in that moment, it felt like the only thing she could possibly need. Evan sighed against her lips and raised one of his hands to stroke her face. Zoe felt emotion welling up inside of her. She’d missed Evan’s gentle touch more than anything. She leaned in closer, and he adjusted so that he could wrap his arms around her and deepen the kiss. She put her hands on his chest, and the feeling of the soft fabric of his shirt underneath her fingertips brought the moment into sharp focus. She was here, kissing Evan, his lips warm against hers and his hands resting softly against her back. She knew right then that more than anything else, she felt safe with Evan. Could she trust him? Did she forgive him? Both questions remained uncertain, but their answers didn’t seem so far away anymore. 

 

She pulled away to breathe and nuzzled her forehead against his. “I still can’t believe you listen to Taylor Swift,” she giggled, tracing along the stripes on his shirt with her fingertips. “You basic white girl, you.” 

 

“Oh, no, not you too,” Evan mock-sighed, still holding on to her. “Jared still hasn’t let me off the hook for the Ugg boots I wore sophomore year.” 

 

Zoe grinned devilishly. “Ugg boots?” 

 

“I don’t want to talk about it.” 

 

“You’re so cute,” she murmured. She kissed his cheek gently and then stroked his face with an awestruck expression. 

 

“What is it?” 

 

“Your face is so soft oh my God,” she said, before breaking down into helpless giggles, Evan joining in. She wrapped her arms around his neck and he rubbed her back. She rested her chin on his shoulder and she felt his smile brushing against her neck. 

 

“Hey Zoe?” he whispered. 

 

“Hey Evan?” 

 

“Where does this leave us?” 

 

“Well we are currently…” she looked out the window, “outside of my house.” She giggled. “Walk me to my door?” 

 

He nodded and released her, looking only slightly crestfallen. With a bit of difficulty, she shifted and slid out of the car. Upon standing up, she felt herself become lightheaded, and she put a hand on the car to steady herself. She’d felt fine while she was sitting in the car, but getting up and moving at this point was proving to be more of a challenge than she’d thought. The alcohol was starting to catch up with her, and she felt a roiling feeling in her stomach.  _ Oh, no.  _ Evan appeared at her side and wrapped an arm around her. Zoe wondered why the source of so much suffering in her life had to come in the form of such a nice person. She leaned into his embrace, and he supported her as he walked her up the steps. 

 

She rang the doorbell apprehensively. Zoe knew that of all of the things that her mother had expected from the evening, Evan Hansen showing up at her door with his arms full of her drunken daughter was not one of them. She’d known that Zoe was going to a party where there would be alcohol, but she didn’t realize Zoe would be drinking it, let alone getting absolutely blackout drunk. She felt her heart sink as she realized just how much trouble she would be in once she crossed the threshold into her house. 

 

“What happened to her? Oh my God, Zoe!” Cynthia reached out for Zoe, who blinked up at her mother and smiled nervously. The sick feeling was even more intense now, and she hoped she’d be able to keep it together long enough to make it to the bathroom before she hurled. 

 

“Hey mom,” she said, her words slurring. The world began to spin in front of her, and she made it one step forward before she threw up unceremoniously on the welcome mat. She looked up at her mother apologetically. “I’m sorry,” she said, tears welling up in her eyes for the umpteenth time that evening. She felt her stomach lurch again and she retched up the evidence of what exactly she’d been doing that night. She felt a hand rubbing her back and looked up at Evan, who was looking at her with concern in his eyes. 

 

“Oh, honey,” her mother said, smoothing back Zoe’s hair. Her mother turned to Evan and fixed him with a hard look. “What are you doing with her?” 

 

“I um, I uh-I found her at this party we were both going to and she--and she--and she needed a ride so I uh, I drove her here?” 

 

Cynthia pursed her lips and sighed. “Come inside with us, Evan,” she said after regarding him for a long moment. He dutifully followed them in. Zoe felt like she was going to die, and she muttered something to her mother before stumbling up the stairs and making it into the bathroom just in time to puke into the toilet. The stench of alcohol filled her nostrils, and she began to sob. She laid her burning head on the side of the toilet bowl. Below, she could hear the sounds of her mother talking to Evan in a brisk tone. She couldn’t make out the words, however, so she closed her eyes and cleared her mind of all thoughts of anything that had happened during the day. 

 

She didn’t realize she’d passed out until she felt her mother shaking her shoulder. “Honey?” Zoe looked up at her mother groggily. Her hair was plastered to the side of her face, and her mother brushed it off and tucked it behind Zoe’s ear. “Zoe, baby, how are you feeling?” 

 

“Bad,” she croaked. 

 

Her mother pursed her lips before putting a hand on Zoe’s shoulder. “How much did you have to drink, sweetie?” 

 

“I don’t know,” Zoe said. A tear streamed down her face and she didn’t bother to wipe it off. “I had so much.” 

 

“Zoe, you didn’t tell me you were going to drink. I know these things happen when you’re a senior in high school, but I just need you to be safe okay?” Zoe nodded, and her mother smoothed the hair off of her forehead. “Now can you tell me what happened at this party?” 

 

“I um, I just drank a lot and then my friends went off somewhere but Evan found me and I asked him for a ride,” she slurred.

 

“Is that all that happened? Because Evan told me a boy tried to rape you.” She spoke delicately, as if the words themselves could shake the foundation of the house and bury them beneath the rubble if she didn’t say them carefully. 

 

“And you’re gonna believe Evan?” She hadn’t meant to say it, but it slipped out.  _ Really, Zo? You’re gonna shove your tongue in his mouth and then throw him under the bus once Mom puts you under the magnifying glass? God, you’re a pathetic skank,  _ Connor’s voice sneered in her head. 

 

“Listen to me, Zo,” her mother fixed her with a searching stare, and Zoe felt herself crumple. “I almost threw that boy out of this house when I saw him here. I wanted to kill him for what he did to you, to us. I don’t want to believe another word he ever says to me, but I have to know if something happens to you. You are too precious to me for me to take any risk when it comes to your safety, do you understand?.”

 

Zoe was at a crossroads. She knew if she told the truth, her mother would freak out and Zoe would likely never be allowed out of the house again without anything less than an armed security detail around her at all times. If she convinced her mother that it was another one of Evan’s sick lies, another twisted attempt to break into their family, however, perhaps her mother would trust her. They’d be a united front against Evan, and Zoe could go back to spending her nights wasted and miserable. It would be the perfect revenge for what Evan did to them. She felt a sick feeling twist in her gut at the prospect of betraying what little trust they’d established over the course of the evening. She could kiss Evan outside on the street and pretend everything was okay, but sitting here in her own home, the place he had made into the scene of his crime, it was so much harder to act like she forgave him. He could be her sanctuary in the car, but in here, he became the boy who had made her mother cry once more. And he may have held her and driven her home from the party, but she realized, with a bubble of anger rising in her chest, that she still didn’t owe him shit. Looking at her mother right then, however, she realized that this wasn’t about Evan at all. This was about her and her mom. Her mom, who she never saw anymore. Her mom, who was always out somewhere and never spoke more than a few words to her at once. Her mom, who she missed desperately. 

 

Zoe decided not to throw Evan under the bus or tell the truth but instead put up her defenses, as much as it made her gut turn to do so. “So now you want to talk to me? You barely talk to me for more than ten minutes at a time but now that I’ve turned into a drunken fuck up you’re suddenly interested in the things I do?” 

 

Her mother looked like she’d been slapped, but Zoe kept going. “You can’t just avoid me for months and then try to show me you care once I turn into a trainwreck, that’s not how this works. ” 

 

“Where is this coming from, Zoe?” 

 

“I don’t know, maybe the fact that you’re so obsessed with fucking pilates and kale smoothies and all that shit to notice that I’m struggling!” 

 

“I am coping, Zoe, the best that I can! We’re all struggling, and I am just barely managing to hold it together! And I was counting on you--” her mother gulped and then fixed her with a glare that made her wilt, “I was counting on you to be the one who had her _shit_ together! The one I wouldn’t have to worry about pulling stunts like this!” her mother pointed to the toilet bowl. Zoe felt a lump rise in her throat and she choked it down. “I mean, what the hell, Zoe? I turn my back for a second, and you’re getting drunk at parties with _college_ _students_?” 

 

“You turned your back for months! I’ve been doing this much longer than you’ve noticed, but it’s nice that you’ve finally decided to pay attention!” 

 

“Zoe Suzanne Murphy! When did you start acting like--” Cynthia’s eyes widened and she put a hand to her mouth. She turned her head away from Zoe, drawing in a ragged breath. 

 

“Like what, Mom?” Zoe’s voice was dangerously calm as she spoke. “Like Connor? Is that what you were going to say? When did I start acting like Connor?” Her mother looked back at her with tears in her eyes. Zoe’s heart sank. She had hoped she would never see her make that face again. 

 

“I’m sorry, baby,” she said, her voice breaking. “I just--I haven’t been able to deal with anything lately. Losing my little boy, and then everything with Evan I just--I’ve thrown myself into every activity possible so I don’t have to think about this stuff. But,” she reached out and stroked Zoe’s face, “it isn’t because I don’t want to talk to you or pay attention to you, Zo, okay? And I’m so sorry you’re hurting.” She leaned in and pressed a kiss to Zoe’s forehead. “Can you please be honest with me, though?” Zoe nodded. “Did someone hurt you at that party?” 

 

Zoe broke. “Mom, I’m so sorry, I didn’t mean to go up to his room with him I didn’t want to go that far with him he was just being nice to me and I thought it would be a good way to deal but then he was on top of me and--” she sobbed and covered her face with her hand. “I’m so sorry, I’m sorry, I’m so sorry. Please don’t be mad at me, Mommy.” 

 

“Oh, Zoe, I’m not mad at you,” her mother pulled her into a hug, “don’t think for a second that I’m mad at you. I’m worried sick, and I’m furious that he did that to you, but I’m not mad at you, and it is not your fault, sweetie.” Cynthia kissed her forehead and squeezed her daughter fiercely. “No one gets to hurt you. Not on my watch.” She pulled back and stroked Zoe’s face. “I’m sorry I haven’t watched you very closely.” 

 

“You shouldn’t have to, you’re right. I was supposed to be the one who wasn’t going to mess up like this.” 

 

“Darling, everyone makes mistakes. It isn’t fair that you feel like you always have to be perfect just because of what Connor did. And I know that’s what this is. But you don’t have to be the golden child all the time, okay? You’re allowed to feel, too.” Cynthia patted her cheek. “I just don’t want you to get hurt.” 

 

Zoe felt fresh tears streaming down her cheeks, and she sobbed quietly and nodded in response. Her mother wiped the tears off of her cheeks and hugged her again. They sat there for a moment, holding each other on the bathroom floor and weeping together. Eventually Zoe pulled away and wiped off her face with a piece of toilet paper. “Sorry I’m such a wreck,” she said, chuckling softly. Cynthia shook her head. 

 

“It’s alright, Zoe. You wanna get ready for bed? Evan’s still here, but I can send him home if you want. You need to rest.” 

 

Zoe felt a jolt in her stomach at the sound of Evan’s name. He’d stayed this long? “Actually, mom, um…” she searched for the right words, “you don’t have to send him home? I kinda need a friend and he’s you know, here. Being my friend.” 

 

Cynthia drew in a long inhale and nodded. “I’m still not happy that he’s here, but I feel a lot better about him knowing that he’s trying to help you. Anyone who’s there for my little girl is okay in my book, even Evan.” Cynthia stood up. “I’m gonna let you brush your teeth and stuff now, okay?” She bent down and gave the top of Zoe’s head a kiss before turning to leave out of the door. 

 

“Hey Mom?” Cynthia turned around in the doorway. “Don’t feel like you have to like...forgive him. Just because I want him to stay.” 

 

“I don’t. But this is a start.” 

 

“Is it bad that I don’t trust him or like, forgive him but I still want to be around him? Like he still makes me happy.” 

 

“You forget you’re not the only person in this house who loved him,” her mother said with a sigh. “Just...if anything happens he’s going to be right out on the curb.” 

 

“I think he’s safe. To be around. I don’t think he’d intentionally hurt me.” 

 

“I’ll believe that soon.” With that, she walked away down the hall, and Zoe was left alone in the bathroom, feeling oddly whole. Evan was an uncertainty that had yet to be resolved, but at least she knew she had her mother back, and that was more than she thought she could hope for. She slowly wiped off her face with her hands and got to her feet. She looked at her reflection in the mirror. She still looked and felt like a wreck. She’d cried off all of her makeup, so she didn’t need to worry about removing it, but she cleaned her face anyway. She quickly brushed her teeth and went into her room to change into her pajamas. She padded her way down the stairs, figuring she should at least say goodnight to Evan. 

 

She found him in the living room, sitting tensely on her couch. When he saw her, he practically sprang to his feet. “Hey,” he said, almost breathlessly. “You alright?” Zoe nodded. 

 

“You’re still here,” she said. 

 

“Yeah I um, I wanted to make sure you were okay? I also got locked out of my house and my mom doesn’t get home till late so I’m kind of just waiting around but don’t think I’m using your house to wait around and I wouldn’t have left until I knew you were okay anyway so--” 

 

“Evan, it’s okay.” She smiled softly at him. “I appreciate it.” 

 

“Okay,” he said. She reached out and gently squeezed his arm. 

 

“Do you want to stay the night? I talked to my mom and it’s okay.” 

 

“Oh, um, sure,” Evan said, shifting slightly. “I mean if that’s no trouble, I um, I can just take the couch?” 

 

“We have a spare bedroom, it’s okay, you don’t have to sleep on the couch.” Evan looked panicked at her words, and she quickly amended them. “It’s a guest bedroom! You’re not gonna be sleeping in Connor’s room, oh my God.” 

 

His shoulders visibly relaxed, and he looked like his entire being was breathing a sigh of relief. “Okay,” he said, nodding. “Okay. Thank you.” She nodded. 

 

“Anytime,” she said. “I’m gonna um, go up to my room but uh, the guest bedroom is just on your right, it’s the one with the purple bed sheets. Feel free to uh, make yourself at home in there.” Evan nodded, and after a moment’s brief consideration, Zoe stepped into his space and kissed him gently on the cheek. “Goodnight, Evan,” she said. He looked at her with a hopeful expression in his eyes, like someone had just turned on a light within him. 

 

“Goodnight, Zoe,” he said, and she felt like something warm was melting inside of her. She turned away from him and went up the stairs with a small smile on her face. The warm sensation continued as she wrapped herself in her blankets, and she hummed contentedly as she pressed her burning face into her cool pillows. She felt like gravity began to work overtime on her body, and it wasn’t long until she was fast asleep. 

 

_ She and Connor were chasing each other around the orchard. She was stronger than he was, but for some reason his skinny legs were always able to take him racing ahead of her no matter how quickly she ran. “Connor!” she called after him. “Con-nor! Wait up!” He laughed.  _

 

_ “You’re gonna have to catch me, Zo! Slowpoke! Ha! Zo-poke.”  _

 

_ “You’re such a boy, Connor!” She stopped a moment to catch her breath against a tree. Her legs were burning, and she needed a break. She turned to look at her hand. An ant was crawling across it. She shook it off of her hand and saw a figure slumped on the ground against the tree. It was a boy wearing a hoodie with the hood pulled up and an empty bottle of prescription pills in his hand. The bottle of pills was stained red from the blood that dripped onto his hand from his slashed, leaking wrist. His jaw dropped open and Connor’s laughter reverberated from his mouth.  _

 

_ “You’re too slow, Zo-poke!” the dead Connor laughed, his jaw still not moving. The laugh faded and was replaced by a furious, pained scream. “I’m going to fucking kill you, Zoe, you bitch! You hear me! I’m going to kill you!”  _

 

_ She took a step back from the corpse, and its head snapped up so she could see its face. Its cheeks were hollow and pale, but the eyes that stared back at her were not the agonized, rage-filled eyes of her brother. They were soft and sweet and so, so sad. “I told you I couldn’t live with what I did,” Evan said softly. His arm extended at a sickening angle. “That’s-that’s why I broke my arm, you see?”  _

 

She screamed and woke up with a start, panting heavily. She was drenched with cold sweat, and her heart was racing. She put a hand on her chest to steady herself but couldn’t seem to catch her breath. She glanced over at the time on the clock. 1:23 A.M. Without thinking, she got out of bed and started out of her room and down the stairs. Walking carefully so as not to wake up anyone else in the house, she made her way to the guest bedroom and knocked gently on the door. The reply from within was almost immediate. “Yes?” 

 

She turned the knob slowly and poked her head inside. Evan was curled up in bed, fully awake and looking at her quizzically. “Hey,” she said, “I hope I didn’t um, wake you up.” 

 

“No, no you didn’t. Do you need something? Are you okay?” 

 

She hugged her middle and looked bashfully at the ground. “I just had a nightmare and wanted to see if you were up.” 

 

“Well, I’m up. Do you-do you want to talk about it?” 

 

She shook her head. “Can I actually um,” she gestured towards the bed, and it was like a lightbulb went off in Evan’s head when he realized what she was asking for. 

 

“Oh! Yes, yes you can.” He pulled back the covers and she crawled in with him. The sheets were warm. She remembered how high Evan’s body temperature was, how he was like a human furnace. It was a nice contrast with Zoe’s perpetually-cold extremities, she thought. She snuggled up to him and slung an arm around him, savoring his warmth. He wrapped his arms around her and began rubbing her back. 

 

“You sure you’re alright?” 

 

“Yeah, I just needed,”  _ I needed you,  _ “I just needed a hug.” 

 

“Well, lucky for you I am just a hug corporation.” 

 

“You’re such a dork.” She poked him playfully, with no malice behind her words. 

 

“I know.” He grinned. 

 

“Hey, Evan?” 

 

“Hey, Zoe?” 

 

“Why were you at the party tonight? Like I get that it was a college party but it really didn’t seem like either you or Jared’s scene. No offense,” she added quickly. 

 

“None taken. I um, it’s stupid but I heard that some people from our high school were coming and I was wondering if one of them was going to be you and I wanted to say hi and I know that sounds creepy and stalkerish and I promise I’m not like that I just--” she cut him off by leaning over him and kissing him gently on the lips. 

 

“I’m glad you were there, Evan,” she whispered. 

 

“I’m glad I was, too.” 

 

“I missed you,” she admitted, leaning her head against his shoulder. “Life’s really sucked without you.” 

 

“Mine’s sucked without you, too.” She remembered her dream, and she pressed closer against him. 

 

“Hey, Evan, um, if this fragile thing between us ever goes south again, will you um, will you promise you’ll be okay? I know it’s dumb but like, this nightmare I had um, you had hurt yourself in it. And I don’t want that to happen to you.” She felt him draw a ragged breath inward and she looked up at him to see that his cheeks were wet with tears. 

 

“I’m sorry, Zoe, I’m sorry,” he murmured. 

 

“Evan,” she said, propping herself up and wiping the tears off of his face gently with one hand. “Evan, why are you crying?” 

 

“Because I tried-when I broke my arm I was trying to…” he took in a gasping breath and she cupped his face in her hands. 

 

“Breathe with me, Evan. Breathe.” He followed her breathing and slowly managed to regain his composure.

 

“I’m sorry,” he said again. 

 

“Don’t be, I’m sorry I brought it up.” 

 

“You don’t judge me, right? Or-or hate me?” 

 

“Evan, I already told you I’m never gonna hate you.” 

 

“It’s just--with Connor…” 

 

“I don’t hate Connor either.” 

 

“That wasn’t what I meant.” 

 

“No, but it’s what I said.” She slid her arms around his middle again and laid her head on his shoulder. He wrapped his arms around her shoulders and held her tight against him, kissing the top of her head. “Evan, I’m glad you’re alive,” she whispered. 

 

He shifted so his face was close to hers and he brushed her hair behind her ear. “I think I’m glad to be alive, too.” He leaned in and pressed a soft kiss to her lips. She smiled and returned the kiss, soaking up the feeling of being so intimate with him. She felt a wave of emotion and pulled him closer to her, her chest aching softly. It was like every inch of her needed to be close to him, to hold him to make sure he didn’t disappear. 

 

She pulled away and looked him in the eyes. “I know it’s um, it’s not going to be easy fixing things with my family, but I think they’ll give you a chance.” She ran her finger gently over the stripes on his shirt. “We still love you,” she whispered, her voice barely audible. 

 

“I still love all of you,” he replied. “Especially you but you know, I’ve loved you since I was in eighth grade so not a lot can really change there.” 

 

She smiled up at him and tightened her hold on him. “Eighth grade? Really? That was back when I had...oh my god, I had braces and still wore Silly Bandz even though they were several years out of fashion, are you seriously telling me you liked me then?” 

 

Evan giggled. “I mean, yeah! You just, it was like you had this halo, you know? Just when you smiled at people, even seeing your smile from a distance it felt like your smile really came from your heart, you know? And like, we had this stupid middle school dance, and I spent half of it so nervous that I threw up, and the only time I felt even a little bit okay was when I was watching you dance cause you just, you didn’t care what anyone thought of you, you just danced like you were the happiest person there. I loved it. I knew then that I wanted to talk to you, but I just never--I never knew how.” 

 

“I’m glad to know seventh-grade me made such an impression on you,” she said, grinning. “Hope high-school me didn’t disappoint once you finally got to talk to me.” 

 

“Not at all,” he murmured, gazing softly at her. “You just kept getting better and better.” She beamed up at him at that and leaned in to kiss him. He carded his fingers through her hair and sighed contentedly and returned her kiss. She felt so loved and safe in his arms, with his lips against hers, that the ache in her chest began to fade and was replaced by something warmer.

 

They pulled away and fell into a harmonious silence, with him breathing softly and stroking her hair and her listening to his heartbeat. “I wish I could have met you without Connor hanging over us like the sword of fucking Damocles,” she murmured.

 

“I wish that too.” 

 

“Wanna meet right now? For the first time?” 

 

“Um, sure,” he chuckled. 

 

“I'm Zoe Murphy,” she said, reaching over to shake his hand. He shook his head fondly but took her hand anyway. “I play in jazz band and I uh, live here. I want to go to college for music and my favorite ice cream flavor is cotton candy. I think that covers all the bases for my introduction,” she said, putting on a fake- professional voice. “How about you, my good sir?” 

 

“My name's Evan Hansen, I'm taking college classes and working at Pottery Barn, and then I'm gonna go to college for dendrology next year if everything works out.” 

 

“You left off the most important part,” she said, frowning. “We can't establish anything here if I don't know your favorite ice cream flavor.” 

 

Evan grinned and rolled his eyes. “It's pistachio,” he murmured. 

 

“You're so lame,” she giggled. 

 

“You already knew that.”

 

“No I don't. I just met you.” She smirked and propped herself up on her elbow to look down at his face. 

 

“Oh well, since we just met, I figure I should warn you I'm a total basic white girl who loves Taylor Swift and wore Ugg boots all of sophomore year.” 

 

“Oh wow, you're so brave and honest. Thank you for sharing your story,” she grinned. 

 

“What about you? Anything you wanna tell me before we begin our ahem, professional relationship here?” He rubbed her arm gently with one hand. 

 

“Well, I should tell you that you,” she poked his nose gently, “are really cute. And I like your face.” 

 

Evan blushed. “You're beautiful,” he said, “and I like  _ your _ face.” 

 

Zoe smiled bashfully and tucked a strand of hair behind her ear. “Hey Evan,” she said, “I know we just met, but we should um, we should kiss.” 

 

“Should we now?”

 

“Yes, I think it's gonna be good for our professional relationshi--” Evan cut her off with a kiss, into which she melted immediately with a small contented sigh. She wrapped her arms around his neck and rolled on top of him. His hands went to her waist and he slid them carefully up her back. She smiled into the kiss and reached one hand around the back of his head to run her fingers through his hair. 

 

“Zoe, you're incredible,” he breathed when they pulled apart. She giggled and shook her head. 

 

“You’re too kind, Evan.” She kissed his nose. “My sweet Evan.”

 

“I mean it,” he said earnestly. “You are one of the most amazing people I have ever known.” She felt a bubble of emotion rise in her chest, and she put a hand on his cheek and stroked his face. Unsure of what to say in response, she leaned back in and pressed their lips together once more. She kissed him harder than the last time, and he responded by holding her tighter against him. She felt like she was flying, and she gave herself completely over to the kiss. Being with Evan had always felt like a break from reality, as though nothing that happened around her was real, and all that mattered was him and her, safe in this room, connected by an invisible thread that bound them tightly together. It was reassuring to know that after all they had endured, he was still her sanctuary. 

 

They broke away, inhaling deeply, and she put her head on his shoulder. He gently rubbed circles into her back, and she closed her eyes, relishing the delicate sweetness of the moment. They were silent for what felt like an eternity in a second before Evan spoke. 

 

“Zoe, can you forgive me?” he whispered. She looked up at him, conflicted. She didn’t honestly know if she did, or if she even could. She had decided that for that night, it wouldn’t matter, but Evan clearly didn’t see it the same way she did. And she knew it was eating him up inside. But she couldn’t say yes. Not yet. She leaned up and kissed him gently on the cheek. It wasn’t a yes or a no. It was a promise of days yet to come, and a process that they would go through hand in hand. 

 

“We should get some sleep, Evan,” she whispered. “We can talk in the morning, all of us.”

 

“Okay. Goodnight, Zoe,” he said, his hand finding its way to her hair. He began to stroke it, and she closed her eyes, sleep finally beginning to take her. He began to hum ever-so-quietly, and she couldn’t help but smile to herself when she recognized the melody. 

 

“Goodnight, Evan.” She leaned in close and whispered so quietly she wasn’t sure if he could even hear it, “I love you.”  

 

_ two headlights shine through the sleepless night and I will  _

_ get you get you alone  _

_ your name has echoed through my mind and I just  _

_ think you should think you should know  _

_ that nothing safe is worth the drive and I will  _

_ follow you follow you home  _

_ follow you follow you home _

_ this hope is treacherous  _

_ this daydream is dangerous  _

_ this slope is treacherous  _

_ and I, I, I... _


End file.
